Thursday, September 26, 2013

Mama says NO!

What part of no do you not understand??


The usual format is to begin each blog with a quote.  In fishing around for one, I could not come up with any better than the standard one exasperated mothers ask their children, especially teenagers, on a regular basis.  No, only two little letters, packs a wallop.  Used negatively, it can and does curtail dreams and growth.  Unfortunately, that is what is most associated with this word - the thwarting of a desire.  It is something that we chafe against.  Yet it is a very powerful word.  Young children learn it early and use it to assert their independence, separateness from others.  No, mine, me all define the self.  Here I am.  No. 

No is empowering when used to set our boundaries.  A study out of the Mayo Clinic+ says that no can be a great stress buster.  Not only is it not selfish but actually healthy for you to say no to requests that do not serve your best interests.  It is not fair to others to always say yes when you are not really committed to what you have just agreed to.  It also prevents the best person for the job from stepping into the gap that you are halfheartedly filling.  Before saying yes, reflect on what your priorities are, how much effort is this going to require from you or how much you are being motivated by guilt. And then when you mean no, just say it - no thanks - briefly, unapologetically, respectfully, honestly, assertively leaving no doubt in either your mind or the other person's and then move on and be ready to stand on your no. What part of no, do you not understand?

Some nos are just that, a simple no.  Some nos are NOS and demand unwavering action.  Such is the case with what is happening with the Shuar people in the Morona-Santiago province of Ecuador as they prepare to wage a battle to the death for their ancestral homeland.  That is a formidable no.  In case, you do not recognize the name Shuar, they are the "head shrinking" Amazon tribe.  In addition to their storied reputation, they are the only unconquered tribe in the Americas, never having surrendered or signed a peace treaty.  Not that they haven't had the opportunity.  The list of would be conquerors includes the Incas, Spaniards as well as the governments of Peru, Ecuador and the United States.  With their tradition of severing the heads of their slain opponents, removing the skull and shrinking the head by boiling it to create what they call Tzantza, they are fierce warriors, something on which they pride themselves.  

Interestingly, they fight to protect peace.  To them, war is necessary to ensure that the jungle is a peaceful place for all of it inhabitants - the plants, the animals, the rivers, even the insects.  Peace that is not inclusive of all is not true peace. Their latest battle concerns the rich resources on their land to which Ecuador has sold the mining rights to foreign powers. The Shuar people have been on this land since before the time of Christ and see the protection of it as their sacred duty.  They are very clear as to what their 'no' is about: the land was not the government's to sell, they will not give up their traditions to work in the mines, they will not let this land be polluted from the results of the mining.  For any of this to happen is death anyway; not just for themselves, but for the land that they are charged with protecting as well.  And so they will fight to the death to save this forest that has provided for them so well over the centuries using the ancient method of their ancestors - the spear.  Not just the men but the women and the children will fight as well for their land and the right to live as they wish.

What is fascinating about this is not just the intensity of their no but how centered it is and how reflective of their culture.  Gender roles are very strongly defined and are balanced between the men and the women.  The men's role is to cut down trees for boats and houses, hunt animals and kill other men when necessary.  Sons leave their homes of origin when they marry and go to the house of their father-in-law and come under his leadership.  Women tend the gardens, prepare the food, raise the children.  Daughters when they marry stay in their birth home with their families so that the work can be spread among many female hands.  While this may sound traditional, here is the key:  women have the authority to tell the men to stop - enough trees have been cut, enough animals have been hunted, enough people have been killed - to prevent them from destroying nature.  And so these "savages" live in harmony with their land in a sustainable manner, taking only what they need and defending it with warfare only to preserve that harmony.  

I pause to let that sink in - the fierceness of their nature to defend and destroy is balanced by the word no that is respected and listened to.  Obviously, they do understand all parts of no.  How different would the "civilized" world be if we listened to a well reasoned no, enough, stop.  I have often wondered how much is enough - is your first billion enough? How about your second?  Has enough concrete been laid down for subdivisions?  Isn't unregulated growth cancer?  What is our definite no, enough is enough?  We are unsustainable, out of control and yet we are hell bent on more.  
It is time for the older women to step forward and say very firmly - NO!  STOP!  ENOUGH! - to take a page out of Code Pink co-founder, Medea Benjamin's book.  This anti-war group has taken to crashing Congressional hearings to gain attention for their causes.  As Benjamin quips, "You can get away with a lot as an older woman."*

And so as someone who has already committed the unpardonable sin of getting older, who lacks the good sense to color my gray hair and to have work done to fix this atrocity, I say NO, ENOUGH to the following: 
  • War and more dead people and devastated lands.  No mother should have to endure what Cindy Sheehan has in believing that her son who was killed in the Iraqi war died for nothing. Her politics aside, what horrified me most about Sarah Palin was her glib off hand remark at the Republican convention where she handed over her bright new penny of son to the horrors of war.  If the restraining hands of mothers who have borne the children and nurtured them no longer holds then we are all lost.
  • Fracking, the horrible rape and pillaging of our lands and waterways for the hopes of a false economic boom when more sustainable, less damaging to the environment alternative forms of energy are available.
  • What Economist John Perkins calls "predatory capitalism" as espoused by Milton Friedman in the notion that the only responsibility of business is to maximize profits without regard for the consequences to either human life or the environment. 
  • Sexual abuse and the marginalization of any person due to race, gender or creed.
Interestingly, the new Pope Francis from South America is raising his voice and saying no.**  Could it be that we are finally awakening to the fact that commonsense needs to prevail once again if we are to survive ourselves and our greed?  If not heeded, we are doomed.  So like the Shuar people of Ecuador, I am sharpening my weapon of choice, my pen, and stand ready to defend my no.  As suggested by the Mayo study, I have weighed the consequences, determined the costs and believe me, there is no guilt involved, just resolution.
NO MORE!   ENOUGH!  CEASE AND DESIST!



*Time Magazine, September 13, 2013, Photo-Bombing for Peace, Alex Altman

 + Mayo Clinic http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stress-relief/SR00039

** http://worldnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/09/22/20638292-pope-attacks-global-economy-for-worshipping-god-of-money?lite

And just for fun to show that we older women still have it, here are some gray hairs that have no intention of going gently into that dark night of old-age fashion:  https://www.upworthy.com/what-happens-when-an-old-woman-says-no-to-how-fashion-orders-her-to-be?c=upw1

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Suffering Solution: Surrender, Serve, Share

"The greatness of a man's power is the measure of his surrender."
William Booth


To open his novel, A Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens in the mid 1800 penned the words:
                         It was the best of times, it was the
                         worst of times,it was the age of wisdom,
                         it was the age of foolishment, it was the 
                         epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity,
                         it was the season of Light, it was the season of                         Darkness, it was the spring of hope,
                         it was the winter of despair...
His novel concerned the French Revolution, which deposed the French monarchy leading to the establishment of a radical secular democratic republic.  How appropriate those words are today as we witness the crumbling of another democratic republic.  Whether we here in the United States are able to avert the decay and death of civilizations that underpin German historian Oswald Spengler's belief that democracies eventually morph into plutocracies depends upon how willing we are to get over our victimhood and our national pastime of suffering.  Yes, we the people do have the power BUT only if we have the willpower to move beyond our love of suffering whether it be physical, mental or psychic.  We find it so much easier to blame someone else or the government for our shortcomings and pain than to take the responsibility for ourselves and to get on with it.  Yes, I hear you whining - how am I one small person suppose to change the government.  It is not about changing anything other than yourself.  While in the long run that will require harder work than changing the government, the ramifications are more far reaching and effective in establishing a sustainable status quo for all and in that process gaining happiness for you.

The recession has hit us hard particularly the middle class. The average American household has recovered only 45% of the wealth that was eroded with the recession.*  While the middle class struggles, the elites have gained ground setting the stage for Spengler's prophesy to come true. Many feel that there is no real hope for the middle class especially following the dim statistics coming out of the U. S. Census Bureau: the nation's real median household income was unchanged in 2012 at $51,017 compared to $51,100 in 2011, adjusting for inflation.  All indications show that Americans at the income midpoint are not doing as well as they were in 2007 before the decline.

Mirroring these dismal statistics is the increasing number of working mothers who are burning out according to Katrina Alcorn's book, Maxed Out: American Moms on the Brink. So if dual incomes are not a viable answer to this dilemma of vanishing wealth, then how do we regain a more equitable footing for all?  I think the optimal word in that last sentence is the word "wealth." I purposefully selected that word instead of money or income because wealth encompasses so much more than just our finances.  Wealth of life is something that is available to all of us and a gift that we allow ourselves regardless of where our finances happen to be at any given moment.  The abundance and joy of life lies within each of us.  By getting over our "woe is me" and our entitlement expectations that cause us to look outside ourselves for the answer, then we can begin to empower ourselves.  I believe that is the reason for all the lemons that are cropping up.  It is a huge collective wake-up call to quit our whining and to take a serious look at where we are and how we got here.  

The path that we were on was totally unsustainable.  The system is broken and only we can fix it, one person at a time.  So let the elites and the government stagnate in their muddling around at "fixing" the economy, which in reality results in the haves getting more at the expense of the majority.  Because let's face it, in today's world big business and government are one and the same, just look at the revolving door between Washington and corporate offices. In fact D.C. tops Silicon Valley with the highest per capita income.  Lobbying is a major industry in and of itself with twice the amount of money involved than 15 years ago.  So you are dreaming if you think any kind of real fix is coming from that arena.  As long as we sit helplessly on the sidelines, then the inevitable is that we will have more of the same where money does buy our government and laws.  Goodbye, democracy and hello plutocracy.

By doing something radical like finding one aspect of our lives everyday that we can truly be grateful for, then we begin to break the downward shrinking cycle of less and less for ourselves.  In practicing gratitude, ( Blog posted 1/24/13, Gratitude - the Sweetener of Life) we open ourselves up to expansion of abundance because we change our focus from I need to we have.  The Course in Miracles states, "Lack implies that you would be better off in a state somehow different from the one you are in."  By choosing gratitude, we break our "poor me - if only" thinking.

I am willing to bet that as each of us starts the practice of gratitude that the things in our lives that we select to be most grateful for are not going to be monetary in value - health, family, friends, pets, sunshine.... Make your own list.  Regardless of where you find yourself at this moment in life, there is one thing, no matter how small or insignificant, that you can be thankful for.  Start there and make the conscious decision to practice gratitude. Note how that makes you feel as opposed to sitting around moping and whining and suffering about all the things that you don't have or think that you need.  And all the ways that the system, your job or lack thereof, your boss, or your whatever is failing you. 

I will tell you a secret, life gives you what you need, not what you want.  So if there are lots of lemons at this moment, then you need the bitterness of those experiences to cleanse your perspective so that you can see all of what you already have and are not appreciating.  These difficulties have arisen because it is time for you to dig deep and empower yourself.  You are so much more powerful and creative then you have ever given yourself credit for.  Time to awaken to that fact. 


Gratitude will make you smile. It will put a spring in your step and cause you to hold your head a little higher when you walk.  It will open your eyes to opportunities that are all around you.  It will change your focus and your life.  In the process, you will begin to surrender your constant emphasis on not enough to one of realizing that in this moment, I have everything that I need to move forward.  In surrendering your need to whine and complain and blame others for making you a victim, you will find a new sense of self-respect and resilience.  You will begin to define for yourself your real needs and desires and in that process find your own solutions. You will begin to say YES to life.  In fact if you just can't be grateful, then at least say yes, yes, yes as many times a day as you want.  You will begin to feel lighter, guaranteed.  You may even begin to feel a strange tingling of happiness.  Practice gratitude long enough and you will begin to notice that you can reach out to others and give them a boost.  You are becoming a player in the game of life and having a stake in working towards a more sustainable future for all.  From giving to others, you will begin to notice that instead of just a tingle of happiness that you have a whole flood going.  Out of this abundance, sharing will flow and in the process create more and more, not just for yourself but for those around you as well.  The internet is already creating new communities of people who share resources.  For example just the peer-to-peer rental market is worth $26 billion a year. No big companies involved, just people sharing with each other goods and services instead of everyone having to have their own. It's called collaborative consumption. Already this new model is making regulators and companies nervous.  Truly the time is ripe for sharing and caring.  It is powerful.  Focus on abundance and it flows; focus on scarcity and it prevails.  Your choice.

I have no clue how this works; I just know that it does.  I think it has to do with grace.  (Blog posted 2/5/13, Secret Agent Grace)    When we make the conscious choice to get over our self inflicted victimhood, then we allow in the flow of grace. The key to opening that door is gratitude.  I urge each of us to take the 30 day gratitude challenge - each day for 30 days find one thing that you can be grateful for regardless of how small and say out loud, I am grateful for _______, thank you.  Even if you are skeptical at first, just do it.  And then for that day, every time, you find yourself beginning to feel sorry for yourself because of whatever or you begin to whine, stop yourself and practice your gratitude instead.  At the end of 30 days, take stock and see where you are. Just think if enough of us seriously do this for 30 days what we can collectively create - a true plutocracy, where we govern and live from the wealth of our hearts.  

Tired of suffering?  Give it up through the three Ss of surrender, serving and sharing. There is more than enough to go around. That is something for which to be truly grateful.




*"Economy" by Christopher Matthews, Time Magazine, June 17, 2013


http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/06/16/18989165-when-hate-mongers-give-you-lemons-set-up-a-lemonade-stand?lite=