"An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of humanity." Martin Luther King, Jr.
Boundaries, where does one stop and the other begin? It is the paradox of life that we are all separate entities created with "certain unalienable Rights"* and at the same time all interconnected beings of one substance. How to resolve these diametrically opposed energies is the true work of life. I am my brother's keeper but I am also my own keeper. How we honor both of these positions will determine how supportive and satisfying as well as effective our relationships are.
Arthur Schopenhauer likened this struggle we humans have between individual and collective rights to the one porcupines face on a cold winter's night - how to get close enough together to share the collective heat and how to stay far enough apart so as to not prick each other. It is a tricky balancing act and one that we have all experienced in attempting to establish caring relationships. Too close - ouch, too far apart and we freeze.
While this porcupine dilemma happens in our personal relationships, it also prevails on the public stage as well. The current raging debate over gun control is a case in point. My goal here is not to pick a side but to encourage an open ongoing dialogue between the various viewpoints so that we may come to a resolution that takes into account all sides of this equation to reach a balancing point. Life really does come down to finding that balancing point, a fulcrum sturdy enough to support the disparate sides, bringing them into harmony. Balance is that point when all the pieces have a place and there is order. This is what I refer to as the exhale point or to use the analogy that runs through these blogs - when all the lemons have successfully been made into lemonade.
Life is a paradox - a situation that has inconsistencies that resists easy simple logical answers so that all the variables can be taken into account before real truth emerges. Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. sums up this condition neatly, "I would not give a fig for the simplicity this side of complexity, but I would give my life for the simplicity on the other side of complexity." The initial easy knee jerk reaction to any situation is not necessarily the wisest or best answer. To dogmatically defend a narrow perspective because that is what we have always thought/believed is not healthy for our own development individually and it certainly stymies us collectively. When any system including a culture is monochromatic in thought, word, deed, action, appearance, it requires little effort on anyone's part to fit in and get along because we are all singing the same song. It also has little resilience, depth, color or vitality. The litmus test of any organization is how well it is able to assimilate the dissimilar. That which is not like us always kicks up anxiety because it disrupts our status quo. This is true in group situations as it is in individual ones. How many marriages have been founded on the premise - I will convert the other spouse to my way of thinking.
The "lemons" in relationships occur because these are areas where we still need to grow. The divisiveness that is prevalent upon the current U.S. public stage is indicative that we as a people and nation need to grow beyond the restrictive thinking of the past while remaining loyal to the principles upon which this country was founded. This is true of any nation, community, organization or personal relationship. As the world moves to embrace greater diversity and allow more voices into the collective dialogue, there is bound to be dissension and great anxiety as we collectively dismantle the sacred cows of the past that have served us so well. It is necessary and noble work that we do in this age because we are laying the foundation for a future where everyone, regardless of creed, race or political persuasion, can add their part of the equation towards creating a strong collective community where everyone can be a productive contributing member.
Just as children learn life skills in the nest of family, we also gain the necessary skills needed to be constructive positive members of that larger collaborative community in our family relationships. All those "lemons" that continually pop up in family relationships are there for a reason to get us to move beyond our narrow individual self-centered perspectives. While it always appears best in the first "simple" as Holmes called it to change the rest of the group to our "right" way of thinking, we really need to take a big breath and plunge into the scary depths of complexity to find out the real truths and growth that are waiting for us in there. There is no other way to extraordinary than through the murky unknown depths of complexity. By keeping an open mind and using active listening, we will learn a thing or two from all those other voices. Even in the darkest corners of complexity, there is always a way through. Remember we are not alone. The universe is set up to honor life. The light continues to lead us on as we seek to arrive on that other shore where the true simplicity of harmony reigns. All we have to supply to this journey of growth is a willingness to grow beyond our set boundaries and perspectives. It is quite liberating to ditch outmoded behaviors and thoughts that have kept us tethered too long to marching in place and not moving forward into the amazing new landscape that exists in the far simplicity.
So the next time the bitterness of relationships pricks you like a porcupine who has gotten too close for comfort, instead of getting your back up and preparing to exchange prickly spines of your own, pause, and let the bitterness run through you. All those painful places that this encounter has highlighted are the areas that only you can allow the light of the true simplicity - the far side of complexity - to enter and cleanse you. In the process, you will free yourself and others from the tyranny of the knee jerk simplicity that keeps all of us puppets to ideologies that no longer serve any of us well. Thank goodness that life is a paradox and that we are relationship beings - individual and collective - and thank goodness for all the "bitterness" in our relationships because it give us occasion after occasion to get over self-created selves and find our true voice in the process. Now there is a real paradox for you - finding our true, who we really are at our core, individual voice while being open and listening to the larger diverse voice of the collective whole.
* United States Declaration of Independence
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